The “Dick Sucking Queen” Sounds Sweet

May 1, 2014 Written by Toni Nagy - No Comments

I guess it is a thing for sorority girls to send outlandish emails to each other, and then “leak” them to the Internet. I am not sure if this most recent “senior speech” by the “Dick Sucking Queen” was “leaked” as much as it was violently penetrated into the cyber webs. Yet as a feminist who doesn’t want to “slut shame” – when reading this young lady’s manifesto, I have committed to having an open mind and assuming she is instilling valuable morals onto her younger sisters.

It begins with this lovely paragraph warning her fellow comrades of the tyranny of authority, and also of the importance of transparency.

“Alright, so me being a senior, not even knowing how the fuck I made it this far in life without killing myself because I am a dumb fuck, I was told by our officers who think they rule the fucking world to leave a senior will….so I’m going to be so blunt and truthful with you sloots you will learn everything you need to know about college right here in this letter…”

See her noble intentions there. She wants to make sure these incoming freshman girls are spiritually and psychically prepared for their future.

This delightful young damsel then goes on to encourage a liberated approach to one’s sexuality. She directly addresses the patriarchy imposed on women, and the preconceived notions of the female libido. The positivity and vocalization of her enjoyment of sex is commendable as she sweetly articulates the gratification of giving one’s partner pleasure – yet only for a reasonable duration of time. And of course she is also grateful for the advancements of modern technology to share pertinent information about one’s genitalia.

1. Have sex.
 Have sex with as many boys as you can. Well, not exactly, check out their penis first. Dick pics are God’s gift to women. Make sure you inspect the goods before you let it penetrate you vagina. Having sex is awesome. The best thing you can do for your sex life is to learn to love sucking dick. It is one of my favorite pastimes. I could suck dick for like 7 minutes, anything after that is too long. You should have definitely made your man bust his load all in your mouth in 7 minutes. If you can’t achieve that, sorry sweetheart but you have better chances at becoming a lesbo than getting dick.

Next she then crowns herself as a victorious administer of bliss – “The Dick Sucking Queen.” What self-confidence! The DSQ then cheers her fellow allies to ingest all their lover has to offer in celebration of their collective achievement of orgasm. Ahhhh… what charming imagery she conjures with detailed and descriptive language articulating how the flavor of a man’s love stimulates the palate. Yum!

2. Swallow that load 
If you are one of those “classy” ladies who don’t swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat pussy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet ‘n’ salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro’s about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven’t noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fuck off.

The DSQ is not one to conform to social convention. She embraces the hypocrisy of the human condition with a Socratic approach to morality. Her pontifications that we do not willingly harm others for that would only harm ourselves, which we would never do willingly, has vast philosophical implications. Is to err knowingly more honorable than to do so unconsciously? This 2,500-year-old Platonic question is finally solved by this brilliant mind.

The darling “Dick Sucking Queen”also explains how intimacy is much deeper than superficial conversation. It is about connecting on the astral plane, and merging souls in the quantum universe. Despite the fact that the undertones of her below suggestion might seem almost “rapey” – her “sorta” knowing what happened the night before means she has a Buddhist perspective on existence. Live in the moment! Don’t dwell on the past when the present is right in front of you, discarded condoms and all.

3. Blackout or Back the Fuck Out
 If you are getting ready to hit the square or frats with your sisters you better have already been pounding some liquor by 7pm. No one ever enjoys a sober sally, she judges the fuck out of you and even though I judge everyone who is within 4 feet of me, no one can judge me. I live my life by a double standard (see number 4). It is a really great feeling to wake up hopefully in your bed, and look to your side with a confused look asking yourself “did I have sex with him?”. It has happened to me countless times, but luckily I always find my used condoms on the floor of my room so I sorta know when I have had sex. I bring home classy dudes. On several occasions, I have brought home someone from the bar and tried to introduce him to my roommates/friends and forgotten his name. Always have the upper hand, you don’t need to know his name to hop on his tic tac.

The DSQ wraps up her declaration with a feminist affirmation or self-worth! Yes we are empresses of the world my sweet angel of truth. Censoring one’s self because of the judgments of others is an oppressive paradigm we goddesses do not have to ascribe to. Yet at the same time, our Queen encourages a forgiving attitude towards one’s own actions, which is the foundation of her well of self-assurance. She ends this enchanting speech-act reminding the co-eds of her alma mater to seize all opportunities that come their way, and bask in the riches that may befall upon them. Oh, and also to always wrap up any penis you might squat on, because seriously no one wants and STD.

4. Live your life by a double standard
You are queen of the fucking world. You can do no wrong. You’re the only one who can fuck random’s every weekend and not be judged. You’re the shit and no one can tell you any different. You can yell at your slut roommate and tell her that her bedroom is a revolving door even though you hooked up with two different guys in two days, it could have been three but who is counting anymore?

Excuses are your new best friend, not that fake fucking Yurman your sleazy ex got you because he was a two pump chump. You better start having excuses memorized like the 6-carat princess cut engagement ring your rich as fuck future boyfriend better get you in a few years you have memorized. I live my life by the absolute biggest double standard and it has gotten me so far, you young sloots better start doing the same. We need someone good to be the next A of (sorority redact) So, you fucking lucky little bitches have a few more years to run out mommys credit card, while crying to daddy that you have no money in your account so he slips you some cash for booze and weed. Spend that cash you don’t have on illegal drugs unless you’re one of the blessed who is already so fucked up you stumbled upon prescription drugs. If that’s the case, hit me up 😉 .

Remember, wrap it before you tap it, no one wants the herps, and if you can, always be slightly drunk. Life will be so much better.

I will be forever grateful for the insight of the “Dick Sucking Queen.” The voice of a generation! All hail to her glory.